Conflict Runs on Habit—But Habits Can Change

Last month, we explored how gratitude rewires the brain. Now, let’s talk about its opposite: conflict.

Those moments when you’re flooded with frustration, shutting down, or ready to snap—what if they’re not just breakdowns, but breakthroughs waiting to happen?

It might surprise you to know that the moments that feel hardest often hold the greatest potential for healing and growth.

Conflict Really Does Run on Habit

If you’ve ever found yourself mid-argument thinking, “How did we get here again?”—you’re not alone. That's what we mean by, "Conflict runs on habit!" We don’t usually respond to conflict with slow, careful word choice. We respond through well-worn grooves. We get triggered, the nervous system takes over, and before we know it, we’re in the same loop as last time.

That’s not a personal failing—it’s efficiency. The brain moves fast and favors familiar strategies to create safety and control.

The good news? Habits are changeable.

The first step is simply noticing the pattern. That “Huh, we always do this” moment? That’s the doorway.

And in Imago theory, there’s an even more hopeful perspective: our partners often hold important keys to our healing—if they and we are willing to try something new.

The Power of Doing Something Different

You’re in a disagreement. The pattern is familiar. It usually ends badly.

Now imagine—just one thing shifts. Maybe you pause. Maybe you say, “Can we slow this down? I want to hear you.”

These small, intentional choices—moments when we respond differently than our past predicts—can create something called a disconfirming experience. This is when painful expectations are disrupted in a healing way.

That moment when you really hear each other—and something shifts.

A Quick Brain Primer

In Unlocking the Emotional Brain, Bruce Ecker and colleagues explain that emotional pain isn’t just stored in our thoughts—it’s held in the body and nervous system. To rewire it, two things need to happen:

1. Activation – The old emotional response has to be triggered (like when conflict brings up familiar hurt).

2. New Experience – In that moment, something different needs to happen—something that contradicts the old expectation.

   
   

This is why conflict, though painful, is also where healing becomes possible. It gives us access to those raw, reactive places—and hopefully a chance to be responded to differently.

It’s also why conflict in close relationships feels so intense. It often taps into deeper wounds—like fear of rejection, shame about not being good enough, or the sense that speaking up isn’t safe.

But here’s what many people miss: willpower and insight alone aren’t enough. To create lasting change, we have to engage those activated emotional networks while they’re firing—and then give them a new experience to learn from.

Why Imago Dialogue Works

In Imago Dialogue, we don’t just “talk through” conflict—we create a safe container to transform it.

• Mirroring (repeating back what you heard) slows things down, quiets the instinct to defend, and helps your partner feel heard.

• Validation (“You make sense”) disrupts painful old narratives. For someone who’s felt misunderstood, this can be deeply healing.

• Empathy (imagining what your partner might be feeling) sends the nervous system a message: You’re not alone.

  
  

It’s the difference between:

“I always brace for criticism when I share something I’m struggling with… but today, she looked me in the eye and said, ‘You make sense."

That’s what it feels like when old wiring meets a new outcome. And this is why, in Imago, we often say:

“Talking gets us into trouble. Dialogue gets us out of it.”

“What This Reminds Me of Is…”

In Dialogue, this prompt often surfaces echoes from the past. Maybe your partner’s tone reminded you of a parent’s disappointment. Or being interrupted sparked the old fear that you don’t matter.

We’re not asking this to dig up the past just for the sake of it, or to assign blame. The purpose is awareness—bringing into the light the memory or emotional imprint that’s being reactivated in the present moment.

Why? Because as we’ve said, when that memory is active, and we are then met with a different, safer, more attuned response, it sends a powerful message to the nervous system: This is not the same as before.

That’s the opening for healing—and for new neural wiring to take root.

Trying something new can feel a little awkward at first—but that’s how change begins.

Try This at Home — Catch It Early

We’ve been talking about patterns and the power of small changes. So here’s something simple you can actually try at home.

If you and your partner have talked ahead of time about wanting to do things differently, consider trying the following experiment.

Next time you notice a conflict pattern starting—preferably before it gets too heated—try this interrupt:

1. Pause and take a deep, slow breath. This helps you shift out of pure reaction.

2. Say, “Let me see if I’ve got you…” and mirror back what you heard.

3. Ask, “Did I get you?”

4. Then ask, “Is there more?”

That’s it—four steps.

It won’t magically solve everything, but it can break the loop, slow things down, and create a small pocket of safety. And the earlier you catch it, the easier it is for both of you to stay present.

Make It a Practice — Not Just a One-Off

Change doesn’t come from a single “good try.” It comes from small shifts, repeated over time.

A few things to keep in mind:

• Both partners on board: Mirroring mid-conflict will feel strange, especially if your partner doesn’t know what you’re doing. Talk about it ahead of time.

• Awkward is normal: Your brain might go, “What is this weird thing?!” That’s just unfamiliarity. It fades.

• It’s not a quick fix: Your nervous system needs time to register, “We’re doing something different—and this is safe.”

  
  

The goal isn’t perfection—it’s consistency.

After the Storm — Three Questions for Reflection

Once things have cooled down, take a few quiet minutes for yourself. These prompts help surface what was happening beneath the surface:

1. Does this remind me of anything from my childhood? Even if it doesn’t make logical sense, trust the connection.

2. What story was I telling myself about what just happened? Naming the story (“They don’t care about me”) makes it easier to see what actually got triggered.

3. What was I most needing right then? Was it reassurance, acknowledgment, a hug? Noticing the need is powerful—even if you meet it yourself later.

   
   

You don’t have to share these reflections right away, or at all, if you’d rather not. Sometimes, simply knowing your own story and needs changes how you show up next time.

Our Next Workshop

Due to some unavoidable logistical issues, we’ve moved our next Getting the Love You Want couples workshop to September 12–14, 2025.

We currently have two couples registered, with space for one or two more. This weekend workshop is where these ideas come to life—you’ll learn and practice the tools in a supportive, guided space designed for growth, connection, and safety. (And yes, we have fun, too!)

Click here to learn more and register. We’d love to have you join us.

Keep Learning, Keep Growing (Together)

I believe great relationships aren’t something we “figure out” once and for all—they’re something we keep learning, practicing, and sometimes laughing (or crying!) our way through.

Every month, I send out a thoughtful, practical post like this—designed to give you new ways to understand each other, navigate conflict, and strengthen connection. Sometimes it’s grounded in neuroscience, sometimes in personal stories, and sometimes in a simple practice you can try that very day.

If you’d like to keep exploring these ideas—and keep adding new tools to your relationship toolkit—you can sign up here to get each month’s post delivered straight to your inbox.

Think of it as your monthly reminder that growth is possible, you’re not alone in the challenges, and that small shifts really can create big changes.