Appreciation in Relationships: Why It’s More Than Just Nice

How Daily Gratitude (Shared the Right Way) Can Change Your Brain—and Your Relationship

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That Awkward Moment When You Try to Appreciate Each Other…

When Scott and I first started practicing daily appreciations, it didn’t feel particularly profound. Honestly, it felt awkward and mostly forced. We both had that sense of, “We’re doing this because we said we would—not because it feels especially meaningful.”

We’d sit there, each trying to come up with something to say, while that inner voice grumbled, “This is kind of weird.”

But we stuck with it.

And, over time, something began to shift. What had started out feeling like a should do began to feel more natural—less like a task to check off and more like something we genuinely looked forward to. And then, somewhat unexpectedly, we noticed our conflicts felt less intense. We were moving through tension more easily, with fewer stuck places.

I didn’t fully understand why at first, though intuitively I sensed that the daily appreciations were playing a role. I just couldn’t quite see how such a simple practice could be influencing our experience of conflict.

Then I came back across some research—and suddenly, it all started to make sense. This wasn’t just a feel-good habit. It was doing something real, something measurable in the brain.

What Gratitude Does to the Brain

According to a study from the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, gratitude doesn’t just make us feel better—it literally changes how the brain functions.

When we express gratitude—especially when it’s heartfelt and connected—it lights up the medial prefrontal cortex. That’s the part of the brain tied to emotional regulation, empathy, decision-making, and attunement. In other words: all the stuff that helps us stay grounded and connected when things get hard.

It also strengthens neural pathways linked to trust, safety, and relational bonding.

And maybe most importantly, it helps counter the brain’s built-in negativity bias—its constant scanning for what’s wrong, broken, or threatening.

“The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.” —Rick Hanson

So what does this mean for your relationship?

When your prefrontal cortex is engaged and functioning well, you’re better able to:

• Regulate emotions

• Stay empathetic

• Make thoughtful, flexible decisions

• Tune in to your partner’s experience

These are the exact functions that help us pause, reflect, and respond—rather than react—especially in the middle of conflict. And daily appreciation strengthens them.

When you start looking for what’s going well, you begin to see it everywhere.

A Daily Dose of Regulation

From a nervous system perspective, this makes perfect sense.

Appreciation—when it’s real and received—acts as a form of co-regulation. It sends the body a message: You’re safe here. You matter. You’re seen.

According to Polyvagal Theory, those moments of felt safety and connection activate the parasympathetic nervous system—specifically, the ventral vagal branch—which helps us stay open, curious, and engaged in relationship. Not just when things are easy, but increasingly, even when they’re not.

In hindsight, this is exactly what Scott and I experienced.

What Changed Between Us

Knowing what I know now about the brain, it’s no surprise things started shifting between us. But at first, it felt slow, clumsy, and uncertain.

We started and stopped more than once. We weren’t always sure it was working. It didn’t feel like a dramatic transformation—it was just tiny things, barely noticeable at first.

But over time, the changes added up.

• Our baseline tone with each other was warmer.

• We recovered from disagreements more quickly.

• Fewer arguments spiraled out of control.

• Even during stressful, busy, or overwhelming times—we felt more connected.

Through our own lived experience, I began to really know:

We weren’t just “being nice to each other.”We were literally rewiring our brains to relate differently.

Noticing Leads to More Noticing

Another change has emerged for me lately: I’ve started spontaneously noticing things throughout the day that I want to bring to our evening check-in.

“This was a sweet moment.” 

“That made me laugh—I want to remember this tonight.”

It’s the same effect that happens when you start thinking about buying a certain kind of car—and suddenly, you see that car everywhere. That’s your Reticular Activating System at work—your brain’s built-in filter that helps you pay attention to what it thinks matters.

The thing is, we’re always training our brains—through our focus, thoughts, and habits. Over time, your brain starts scanning for more of what you repeatedly pay attention to.

So when we practice daily appreciations, we’re literally training our brains to look for what’s going well. And because the brain loves patterns and efficiency, it eventually says, “Got it. We’re noticing this now. I’ll take over.”  In other words, appreciation starts to become automatic. You’re creating a new filter, a new story, and ultimately, a new lived experience.

Important point: This isn’t about ignoring the hard stuff. What we’re doing is creating a more balanced and resilient foundation for engaging with it.

The truth is, we have to train our brains for this. Left to their own devices, our brains are far more likely to zero in on what’s off, threatening, or painful. That’s part of how we survived as a species. But in relationships, it can cause us to overlook what’s beautiful, generous, or quietly meaningful—unless we intentionally direct our attention there.

A Gratitude Practice That Feels Natural

Before we found our rhythm with this practice, I had tried the usual approach: List 3 things you’re grateful for.

I wanted to like it… but it often felt mechanical. Like I was checking that box instead of connecting with something real.  I never stuck with it for long.

Then I read an article that suggested a small but powerful shift:

1. Name something that was great about your day.

2. Name how you contributed to it being great.

Suddenly, it wasn’t just gratitude—it was agency. I wasn’t just noticing the good; I was recognizing my role in creating it.

It works just as well for bigger, active things as it does for smaller, noticing types of things.

For example:

• “What was great about today was the incredible sunset.” → “What I did to contribute to it being great was pausing to take it in instead of rushing to the next thing.”

• “What was great about today was that I finally finished that writing project.” → “What I did to contribute to it being great was that I carved out time and turned off distractions to get it finished.”

  
  

Daily appreciations quietly shift what you notice, what you remember, and how you experience your relationship.

Here’s the Structure We Use

Scott and I now do a short check-in most evenings, right before bed. It blends appreciation with this deeper, more embodied form of gratitude.

Here’s the format:

Partner A shares:

• Something I appreciate about you is… (We each take a moment to see what’s present—maybe something from the day, a personality trait, a physical quality, or even a memory.)

Partner B mirrors the appreciation:

• “What I hear you saying is…”

• Then asks: “Did I get you?”

• Followed by: “Is there more?”

Partner A continues:

• Something that was great about today was…

• And how I contributed to it being great was…

Partner B mirrors the gratitude:

• “What I hear you saying is…”

• Then asks: “Did I get you?”

• Followed by: “Is there more?”

Then we switch roles.

It doesn’t take long. But the impact lasts far beyond the moment.

Why the Dialogue Format Helps It Stick

You might wonder: Why not just say it? Why all the mirroring and questions?

Because when appreciations are shared within the Imago Dialogue structure, something deeper happens:

• The mirroring helps the appreciation really land—instead of being brushed past or minimized.

• Asking “Did I get you?” reinforces that the listener is truly present, and the message is genuinely heard.

• Asking “Is there more?” opens the door for deeper connection.

And here’s something else: you’re also building new neural pathways for how you communicate. You’re signaling to your brain, “This is how we do things in this relationship now. This matters.” [Remember from above how we are always showing our brain what matters?]

And over time, this intentional way of communicating becomes more available during conflict. You may find yourself a little less likely to fall into reactive back-and-forth patterns.

(P.S. I’ll be sharing more about this in my next blog post: Why stepping out of the “back and forth” in conflict makes such a difference.)

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Try This at Home—Appreciations in (Your) Relationship

If you’ve read my blogs before, you know I like to end with a “Try This at Home” suggestion.

So here’s one for this month:

For the next 7 days, set aside 3–5 minutes to try this check-in with your partner:

Partner A:

• Something I appreciate about you is…

  • Partner B:

  • What I heard you say is…

  • Did I get you?

  • Is there more?

Partner A

• Something that was great about today was…

• How I contributed to it being great was…

  • Partner B:

  • What I heard you say is…

  • Did I get you?

  • Is there more?

Then switch roles.

Let it be real. See what comes up in the moment.  It is likely going to feel a little imperfect and awkward—keep at it! I think you’ll be surprised at what starts to shift.

Appreciation Check-In. It’s easy to follow, surprisingly meaningful, and helps train your brain to notice what’s good. Save it, share it, and try it tonight. 💛

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Closing: More Than Nice

Appreciation in relationship isn’t just a sweet extra.

It’s relational nourishment. 

It’s neural training. 

It’s conflict prevention in disguise.

And when shared in a way that helps it land, it becomes one of the most powerful—and easily accessible and actionable—tools we have for strengthening connection.

When we start seeing more of what we love in each other, we create a relationship where love has more room to grow.

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Want more?

If something I’ve shared here resonates with you, I’d love for you to consider subscribing to my monthly blog. I write about one post a month, sharing relational insights and practical tools—often ones I’ve experimented with in my own life and relationship.

You can subscribe by visiting the bottom of my website home page and signing up for my free Imago Mini-Course (where I walk you through the basic steps of the Imago Dialogue).

Or you can email me directly at nichole@hartcounselingservices.com —and I’ll be happy to add you.

Oh, and one thing here...if there is a topic you'd be interested in reading more about, feel free to suggest a topic for a future blog post!

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Getting the Love You Want

One last thing we’re really excited about:

Scott and I are in the process of becoming certified to lead Getting the Love You Want weekend workshops. You can think of these weekends as a retreat for your relationship—a chance to hit pause on everyday life and spend intentional time reconnecting with each other.

While the weekend takes place in a group setting, the work you do is mostly private—just between you and your partner. That said, one important part of the weekend is that we invite couples to take a turn doing a guided demonstration of the Dialogue process. This part is well supported and done with plenty of guidance. Our goal is to help couples feel, “Hey, we can do this—even if it’s something really new.” And it’s that kind of practice that helps the brain get more comfortable and familiar with a new way of relating.

Our next workshop is August 8–10 in Silverthorne, CO, and we’d love to have you join us. Here’s a link to learn more: https://www.hartcounselingservices.com/getting-the-love-you-want

In Imago, we believe that intentionally creating what’s good is just as important—if not more—than working through what’s hard, and these weekends are a jump start in this direction! 

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“What you focus on grows. What you think about expands. And what you dwell upon determines your destiny.” —Robin Sharma