Want Fewer Arguments? Try These Three Words

When you don’t agree, here’s how to stay connected

If you’ve read much of my writing, you know I’m a big believer in small things that create big change. Most of us fall into the trap of thinking we need sweeping overhauls for our relationship to improve. But here’s the problem: our nervous systems aren’t built for abrupt shifts. Big changes can feel destabilizing — even threatening.

What does work is making small adjustments that our brains can actually take in and make sense of. When change comes in bite-sized pieces that are easy to repeat, it’s more likely to stick.

This month’s blog is about one of those small-but-mighty shifts: a single phrase that, if you practice it, can begin to change the way conflict unfolds. I think we can all agree that we want fewer arguments!

This Is A New 4-Part Blog Series

I love writing in series because it lets me dig deeper into a theme that feels important — and share more about these tools that I actually use in my own life. This is the first of four connected blogs I’ll be sharing through the end of the year:

• September: You Make Sense — the power of validation in conflict

• October: Crossing the Bridge — a visual metaphor for entering your partner’s world

• November: When Your Experiences Don’t Match — moving through stuck places without getting lost in who’s “right”

• December: Different Doesn’t Mean Wrong — living with differences without letting them divide you

So let’s begin with the first piece: the power of validation.

The Phrase: “You Make Sense, and What Makes Sense Is…”

These words might sound small, but they’re what I sometimes call “magic words.”

Not: “That makes sense to me.”

Not: “I get it.”

Not: “I understand what you’re saying.”

All of those keep the focus on you.

Instead, when you say: “You make sense, and what makes sense is…” you keep the focus on your partner.

This tiny shift redirects your attention away from your own viewpoint and toward your partner’s lived experience. It’s like walking across a bridge into their world. (More on what I mean by “crossing the bridge” in the next blog.)

That moment when your partner really gets you — and it shows.

Validation Isn’t Agreement

One of the most common questions I hear is: “But what if what my partner is saying doesn’t make sense to me?”

Here’s the key: validation doesn’t require agreement.

It’s not about whether you would feel the same way, or whether you see something the same way. It’s about whether you can step into your partner’s shoes and see how their reaction makes sense given who they are and what they’re feeling.

For example:

• If your partner says, “When you’re late, I feel anxious — I end up feeling unimportant,” you don’t have to agree that being late = not caring. You can still say: “You make sense. What makes sense is that when I’m late, you start to feel anxious and kind-of unimportant.”

  
  

• If your partner says, “When you were on your phone at dinner, I felt lonely,” you don’t have to agree that checking your phone = ignoring them. You can still say: “You make sense. What makes sense is that when I was focused on my phone, you felt less connected.”

  
  

• If your partner says, “When I shared my idea and you didn’t respond, I felt a little mad,” you don’t have to agree that your silence should lead to your partner feeling angry. You can still say: “You make sense. What makes sense is that when I didn’t say anything, you may have felt brushed off or unimportant.”

Validation is about honoring their inner experience, not whether it lines up with yours.

Why It Works

From a neuroscience perspective, validation sends a powerful safety signal. When your partner knows their inner world makes sense to you, their nervous system begins to calm.

And what does this mean? It means that the part of the brain sending the “this isn’t safe” signal eases up a bit. Fight, flight, and freeze reactions tone down. The brain moves out of survival mode and back toward connection.

From this calmer place, understanding, repair, and resolution are much more accessible.

Why Does This Matter?

So much of conflict isn’t really about who’s right or wrong — it’s about whether each person feels understood. When your partner hears “You make sense,” it shifts the focus from proving a point to creating connection. That’s the power of validation: it interrupts the tug-of-war and opens the door to being on the same team again.

Want Fewer Arguments? You Can Try This at Home

Reading about this idea is one thing. But the real shift comes when you try it out in your everyday life.

This month, experiment with practicing the phrase in both serious and playful ways:

• When your partner shares something vulnerable, pause, take a breath, and say: “You make sense, and what makes sense is…”

• And for fun, try it in lighter moments too: “You make sense, and what makes sense is that you always order the chocolate ice cream.”

By playing with the phrase in easy moments, you’ll build some “muscle memory” (or in this case neural plasticity!) that makes it more available in the harder ones.

It might feel small, but small is how real change begins.

The power of feeling understood — sometimes three little words change everything.

A Few Things to Consider...

As you begin practicing this phrase, keep a few things in mind. This isn't about achieving perfection, but about making progress toward connection.

• The Feeling Follows the Action... It’s common to feel a little insincere the first few times you say this, especially if you're in the middle of a disagreement. That's okay. The powerful part is that often, the genuine feeling of understanding follows the act of validation. By choosing the words, you consciously direct your brain to look for understanding in your partner's position, and that’s where the real shift begins.

• This is a Skill, Not a Magic Wand... Even though I said earlier that the words, "You make sense" are like magic, it is not the same as having a magic wand! However, it is a powerful tool for de-escalation and building understanding, making resolution possible. For deep, recurring conflicts, it may not be a complete solution on its own. Think of it as essential maintenance that prevents small issues from becoming big ones.

• Invite Mutuality... This practice shines brightest when it becomes a shared language. If you feel comfortable, share this concept with your partner. It’s not about keeping score, but about building a greater sense of safety where you both feel empowered to understand and be understood. You might say, "I read something interesting about communication. I'm going to try to do a better job of understanding your perspective, and I'd love to explore it with you."

Ending Thoughts

At its heart, “You make sense” is a reminder that love isn’t about always seeing eye to eye — it’s about helping each other feel seen, even in the middle of differences. When you practice this small phrase, you’re creating a habit of connection that strengthens your relationship one moment at a time.

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Coming Up Next

Next month, I’ll share a visual metaphor that has helped countless couples: crossing the bridge into your partner’s world and visiting the ‘neighborhood’ they’re in. If words alone don’t always stick for you, having a picture can make all the difference. (A nod to you visual learners!)

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Practice Updates

Starting with this post, I’ll be adding a short section at the bottom of each blog with resources and news from my practice — in case you’d like to explore more ways to deepen your relationship.

1. A Simple Daily Practice — I recently published The Appreciation Journal for Couples — A 30-Day Practice for Noticing What’s Good, Together. It’s a tool my partner and I use daily, and it helps us feel closer in just a few minutes a day. You can check it out here: https://www.amazon.com/Appreciation-Journal-Couples-Practice-Noticing/dp/B0FN83N2H8

2. Workshop & Mailing List Update — This past weekend, we finished our second Getting the Love You Want workshop, and it was such a meaningful experience. We’re likely to hold one more before the end of the year.

   
   

   If you’d like to be kept in the loop about upcoming workshops — or simply want to receive future blog posts and practice updates like this one directly to your inbox — you can sign up for my mailing list here.