Tired of Talking in Circles? Better Communication for Couples

If you and your partner keep having the same argument on repeat—same triggers, same reactions, same disconnection—you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common frustrations I hear from couples. You try to talk it through, but someone shuts down, someone gets defensive, and you both walk away feeling worse.

As an Imago Relationship Therapist, I work with couples to break those patterns and create more connection. One tool I’ve been bringing in—alongside the Imago Dialogue—is the Initiator-Inquirer process. It’s a simple but powerful shift that helps partners slow down, get curious, and discover something new.

While this post will be mainly focused on how this tool helps with conflict, I'd like to point out that it’s not just for conflict. It's also helpful when one of you feels unseen or wants to talk about something meaningful—not necessarily about the relationship, but still important. It’s a tool for connection and understanding, not just working through something challenging between you.

What Is the Initiator–Inquirer Process?

The Initiator–Inquirer (I:I) process comes from the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. It's a structured conversation where one partner speaks (the Initiator) and the other listens and asks open-ended questions (the Inquirer). But it’s more than a technique. It’s a mindset shift—one that moves both people out of reactivity and into curiosity.

The Initiator speaks from the "I" position, sharing thoughts, feelings, and experiences—not blame or conclusions. The Inquirer listens and asks questions to better understand what that moment was like for their partner, without jumping in to defend, fix, or explain.

Example:"When you left the room while I was talking, I felt like I didn’t matter. It brought up a really old feeling of being dismissed."

Inquirer might ask:"What was the story you started telling yourself about me in that moment?"

A new way to connect—one question at a time.

Why This Works (Especially When You Feel Stuck)

The Power of Pattern Disruption

The Initiator–Inquirer process works because it interrupts what your brain has learned to do automatically during conflict. Most couples have a “default script”—a sequence that plays out in similar way. I referenced it above. It's generally along the lines of one person reacting, the other shutting down, tension rising, and both people walk away feeling disconnected or misunderstood.

That’s not because either of you want that outcome. It’s because your brain is efficient. It looks for patterns and automates them to save energy. Once a certain kind of conversation becomes familiar—especially emotionally charged ones—your nervous system jumps ahead: “Oh, we’re doing this again.” And it rolls out the same habitual response.

This is why even well-intentioned attempts to communicate differently can still end in frustration. You're trying to change the content, but the structure and rhythm of the interaction remain the same.

The Initiator–Inquirer process introduces something new: a different pace, a different tone, and a clear structure. That novelty matters. In terms of neuroscience, novelty plus emotional safety creates the conditions for neuroplasticity—your brain’s ability to change and form new pathways. When you slow down, stay regulated, and choose curiosity over defense, your brain starts to recognize: “This feels different—and safer.”

That’s the turning point.

Not to go too deep into the neuroscience here, but that moment—when something different happens—is what’s called a disconfirming experience. Your brain and nervous system are expecting the usual pattern: conflict, shutdown, defensiveness. But instead, you get something new—curiosity, safety, presence. And your brain really takes note. These kinds of experiences are powerful because they help weaken the grip of old neural pathways and make it easier for new ones to form. In fact, that emotional safety and novelty can trigger the release of neurochemicals like oxytocin and endogenous opioids—essentially helping to rewire the brain for connection instead of protection. It’s a small shift, but a remarkably impactful one.

Think of it like a well-worn trail in the woods. Every time you react in the same old way, you’re walking that same path, making it more deeply carved and automatic. But when you do something different—pause, stay curious, stay connected—you step off the trail. It’s awkward at first, maybe a little uncertain. But each time you choose that new path, it becomes more familiar. Eventually, that once-overgrown route becomes the new default. That’s what a disconfirming experience does—it helps you forge a new way through the emotional landscape of your relationship.

New paths don’t appear all at once—they’re created one step at a time.

It’s not about being perfect or getting it right every time. It’s about practicing a new way of being with each other. One where you’re not reacting on autopilot, but showing up with intention and awareness. Even subtle changes in how you enter the conversation—naming roles, setting a tone of exploration, using “I” language—can send a powerful message to your partner and your own nervous system: “We’re not doing the same old thing. We’re trying something different.”

And that’s where movement happens. That’s where change becomes possible—not because you’ve forced it, but because you've made space for it.

Mirroring as a Co-Regulation Tool

Although the I:I process is more open-ended than the formal Imago Dialogue, I still encourage mirroring. Actually, I'd say that mirroring is a key. [Mirroring just means repeating back what you heard your partner say to check for understanding. Think of it as very active reflective listening.] I encourage couples to mirror every two or three questions. It slows the conversation down, keeps both people grounded, and reinforces the message: “You matter, and I’m listening.”

It doesn’t have to be rigid. Mirroring might sound like:

"So what I hear you saying is that when I walked away, you felt dismissed—and it reminded you of feeling unimportant in other moments, too. Did I get you?"

A Built-Out Example

Let’s say Alex and Jordan are in a cycle where Alex often feels dismissed, and Jordan often feels criticized. They agree to try the I:I process.

Alex (Initiator): "When you didn’t respond to my text, I felt unimportant. It seemed like you just didn’t care."

Jordan (Inquirer):"What was that like for you—waiting and not hearing back?"

Alex: "I started to feel very anxious… like I didn’t know where I stood."

Jordan:"Is that a familiar feeling from earlier in your life?"

Alex:"Yeah. My dad would go quiet when he was upset with me. I never knew what I did wrong."

Jordan (mirroring):"So when I didn’t respond, it felt like that old uncertainty again—like you were in trouble, but didn’t know why. Did I get that?"

This kind of conversation goes somewhere different. It’s not about the text message. It’s about the emotional experience underneath it—and that’s where connection grows.

You might notice that Jordan asked a few different kinds of questions—some focused on the immediate moment, some that gently invited reflection on earlier experiences. That range of questions is part of what makes the Inquirer role so powerful.

If you're not sure what to ask, try turning a closed or reactive question into an open one:

• Instead of "Why didn’t you just tell me?", try "What made it hard to speak up in that moment?"

• Instead of "Why do you always think I’m mad?", try "What story did your mind start to tell you in that moment?"

• Instead of "Why did that upset you so much?", try "What was it about that moment that felt so upsetting?"

Even subtle shifts in language can open up the conversation in powerful ways.

• A note about "Why" questions: This matters because questions that start with "why"—even when asked with good intentions—can often feel like an interrogation. They tend to pull people into defensiveness or self-justification rather than reflection. A "why" question can signal, “You shouldn’t have done that,” even if that’s not what was meant. In contrast, "what" and "how" questions invite exploration. They open emotional space. They ask for a window into your partner’s world, not an explanation or defense.

The right structure doesn’t limit you—it frees you to really hear each other.

A Few Do’s and Don’ts

If You’re the Initiator:

DO:

• Speak from your own internal world—feelings, beliefs, memories

• Stay in the “I” position (not “you made me feel…”)

• Share just one experience or moment at a time

• Pause to let your partner mirror and stay connected

DON’T:

• Use the space to vent or criticize

• Overwhelm your partner with a long narrative

• Try to subtly “teach” your partner what they did wrong

• Move into solution mode

If You’re the Inquirer:

DO:

• Ask open-ended questions that begin with “what” or “how”

• Mirror every 2–3 questions to stay attuned

• Focus on understanding, not responding

• Stay aware of your own reactions—breathe, stay grounded

DON’T:

• Ask “why” questions (they often feel like cross-examinations)

• Interrupt or correct your partner’s memory or experience

• Defend yourself or try to fix the problem

• Abandon your role when you feel reactive

It’s okay to feel reactive. That’s normal. You’re not aiming to be perfectly neutral—you’re aiming to stay in role. If you notice you’re overwhelmed, it’s okay to ask for a break. Just try not to flip into a back-and-forth dynamic. The goal is to stay with the process.

Who This Works Well For

In my practice, I’ve found this process especially helpful for couples who:

• Feel stuck in repeated conflict loops

• Get overwhelmed by or feel blocked within the Dialogue structure

• Want to go deeper but don’t always know how

• Tend to reflect well and explore rather than fix

This isn’t a problem-solving tool—it’s a connection-deepening one. It works best when both partners are open to exploration rather than resolution.

Try This at Home

Every blog I write ends with a practical tool or reflection you can try on your own—because insight is most powerful when it's paired with action. Here’s one way to bring this process into your relationship in a gentle, supportive way.

If you're curious to try the Initiator–Inquirer process, start small. Choose a moment when things feel relatively calm and you're both in a good headspace. It doesn't have to be about a conflict at all. In fact, for a "first try," it’s better if it’s not. Try it with a low-stakes topic—something like one of you feeling stuck at work, reflecting on a recent experience, or simply wanting to feel more seen in a certain area of life.

Here’s a step-by-step guide:

1. Choose roles. Decide who will be the Initiator (sharing an experience) and who will be the Inquirer (listening and asking questions). You can always switch roles later.

2. Initiator shares. Begin by naming the experience: a recent situation that brought up a mild feeling. Use "I" language and focus on your own internal experience, not on your partner’s behavior.

   Example: “Lately I’ve felt a little stuck at work. It’s not a crisis, just a low-level sense that I’m spinning my wheels.”

3. Inquirer listens and asks open-ended questions. Your job is not to fix or offer suggestions. Just get curious about your partner’s world.

   “What has that felt like for you day to day?”“What do you most want me to understand about that?”

4. Mirror every 2–3 questions. This helps the Initiator feel heard and gives both partners some support to stay grounded.

   “So what I hear you saying is that it feels like you’re pouring energy in but not getting much back—and it’s starting to wear on you. Did I get you?”

5. Stay in your roles. If either of you feels reactive or overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause and take a breath. Just don’t switch into debate mode. The goal is presence, not perfection.

6. Close gently. When it feels complete, thank your partner. If you're both up for it, you can switch roles and go again.

   
   

Again, this practice isn’t just for solving problems—it’s for building emotional connection. It’s one way to say: “I want to know you better, even in the small things.”

The Bottom Line

The goal of the Initiator–Inquirer process isn’t to get it perfect. It’s to show up differently. To slow down the moment, shift the pattern, and lean into curiosity. When done with care, it builds something that can’t be rushed: trust, understanding, and emotional safety. It leads to a felt sense of being seen and understood.

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Curious to learn more or work together? You’re welcome to explore upcoming workshops or reach out directly. You'll find all contact information here. Enjoyed this post? Send me an email (email on contact page), and I’ll add you to my contact list so you don’t miss future updates.