Inspired by Our First Imago Workshop Experience
It’s been a little over two months since Scott and I attended our first Getting the Love You Want weekend workshop. I’m glad this post is the third in the series as it’s given me time to reflect on the longer-term differences the workshop has made for us. There were certainly immediately impactful experiences in the workshop, and I will likely share about those at some point, but more of this post will focus on something else. In short, I’m grateful to have had this time to reflect on the more subtle, lasting influences the workshop has had on us, and that’s what I want to share. Now, where to start!? 🤔
It’s usually not so apparent to people around us, but both Scott and I have pretty fiery personalities. As is often the case, the great and not-so-great aspects of this fieriness are most freely expressed in our relationship. We have good intentions within ourselves and with one another, but our fight, flight, and freeze reactions really get the best of us sometimes. You’ve likely heard about this reactive part of our brain, sometimes referred to as the old brain, lizard brain, survival brain, or reptilian brain. These terms paint a picture, right? When this part of our brain “takes over,” we are no longer considering our actions, thinking through consequences, or caring about our impact. Instead, we are reacting to a perceived threat.
When we think of ‘threats,’ most of us picture something clear and tangible: narrowly avoiding a car accident, encountering a mama moose on a hiking trail, or stepping on a snake barefoot in the backyard (yes, I did jump out of my skin!). These types of threats make sense to us. Of course, we react—our brain is helping us stay safe!
What we don’t often consider is how sensitive this part of our brain is to subtle cues, especially in our relationships. While overt conflicts can trigger us, it is often the accumulation of subtle, seemingly insignificant cues that send our nervous system into a reactive state.
Our brain is constantly scanning our environment for potential threats, and these perceived threats can easily trigger connections to our entire history—any experience that has ever caused pain, fear, or a sense of danger—even if we aren’t consciously aware of it.
A quick look that passes over our partner’s face, a certain tone of voice, a shift in body language—any of these can register as a real and genuine threat to our nervous system, usually well below our conscious awareness. By the time it reaches our conscious mind, we are already reacting. And when we are in this reactive space, our partner is no longer seen or felt as our friend, lover, or companion; instead, they are perceived as a predator. Yikes!
Strong word, huh? But it accurately captures the nervous system’s experience and helps explain why we can so quickly escalate in conflicts with our partner.
When we are in this reactive state, we literally lose access to the parts of our brain responsible for nuance, balance, empathy, and forethought. Dr. Daniel Siegel refers to this as flipping your lid (you can watch a short video of him explaining it here). This explains why we sometimes feel completely bewildered by our own and our partner’s behavior. It can leave us wondering, Where did that come from? Who is this person? Which part of them is the real one? It can be confusing, disheartening, and even scary.
So, how does this connect back to the workshop?
One section of the workshop helped us explore what is actually going on in our brains when we are triggered. Don’t worry, it’s not a neuroscience lecture (though I would certainly love that!). Instead, it helps participants understand their brain in a relational way. Why am I so triggered by this? What causes me to react so strongly? Where did that come from? Even though I’ve known this information for years, it’s another thing entirely to apply it when I’m all stirred up in my relationship. That’s what the workshop does—it helps us engage with this information in a way that makes it more accessible and usable in the moment.
An example to illustrate this: just yesterday, Scott made an offhand comment, somewhat under his breath, in response to something I’d asked him to do. Our instinctual brains were already connecting this interaction to deeper, more vulnerable fears and past experiences. I felt a rush of energy in my body—that familiar feeling of being primed for confrontation. (By the way, describing bodily sensations like this can send a message to the reactive part of our brain that things aren’t as bad as they seem.) For me, the experience felt like heat in my core, a tightening in my throat, an urge to leave angrily, and—hardest to admit—a desire to punish (ugh, that last one stings to write). In just a few seconds, I was deeply in the mess.
Thankfully, since the workshop, I’ve gotten better at accessing my inner observer. I reminded myself: I am not this reaction. I have a choice here. Do I want to attack him and make this worse, or do I want to try and connect? Taking a deep breath, I invited the part of my brain that can see complexity and connect with empathy to come online. I reminded myself of Scott’s recent stressors and vulnerabilities, and it made sense why he reacted as he did.
Instead of escalating, I walked up to Scott, placed my hands on his arms, and asked him to look at me. I told him I understood he had a lot going on and that I could even see where his comment came from. I also let him know that I was struggling with it but didn’t want this to turn into a big conflict. While we were still a bit edgy, we felt more connected. Later that evening, when we were both more settled, we revisited the conversation with even greater clarity and warmth.
This shift—from reacting to responding—is one of the biggest gifts of the workshop. Since attending, we’ve both made these shifts more often. Several times, Scott has been the one to say, We are really off track. Let’s do that Dialogue before we get into a real mess here. Other times, we’ve found ourselves in a heated argument, and one of us will start mirroring (repeating back what we hear our partner say). Sometimes we even do it in an angry or petty way—almost like a competition to show we are “doing the right thing” (I’ll really show him. I’ll just start mirroring and see how he likes that! 😏) —but even when coming from a not great place, it still helps break our destructive cycles. (By the way, I’m sure it goes without saying that it is NOT recommended to use mirroring competitively! ….I did mention we have some fieriness.)
Oftentimes, when I share with clients about a conflict where Scott and I completely blew it, they seem a bit surprised—Wait, you mess things up too?! And my answer is a resounding YES! I think for most of us, implementing what we know we should do in the heat of the moment is incredibly difficult. In my experience, responding rather than reacting has not been something I do naturally or consistently. However, I can say from lived experience that, since the workshop, responding instead of reacting has become just a bit easier. It’s a journey, and our intimate partnerships offer no shortage of opportunities to make those choices about reactivity!
Well, this blog certainly took a different direction than I anticipated when I sat down to write. There’s so much more I could share about our experience in the workshop—immediately impactful moments, surprising a-ha insights, deep connections, and, yes, even some truly fun experiences. But I’ll save those for another time. Thanks for spending some time with me and these reflections I felt called to share.
In closing, I mentioned in a previous blog that I would share how this workshop has influenced me as a therapist. In essence, it reaffirmed the real and practical ways this approach makes a difference. It truly helps couples turn conflict into growth, highlights the importance of fun and connection, and, most importantly, has inspired me to commit more deeply to not just teaching this work but living it myself. It’s a life I am grateful to be living. I’m especially thankful for the couples who join me on this journey, giving me the opportunity to meet people who are eager to make sense of these often bewildering behaviors—and allowing us to learn and grow together.
And for that, I am deeply thankful.
In closing….in every blog post I include something you can DO at home. Reading is one thing, but experience is what brings these ideas to life! Here’s something you and your partner can try together…
Spirit Animals of Reactivity & Connection 🦊🐢🐿️|| Practice Together 🤝
Our nervous system can take us into fight, flight, or freeze mode in ways that oftentimes feel automatic. Instead of judging these reactions, what if we gave them a playful, symbolic shape? In this exercise, you and your partner will assign spirit animals to your own and each other’s reactive states—and then, just as importantly, gift yourselves and each other an animal that represents your calm and connected self.
💡 How to Play:
1️⃣ Name Your Own Reactive Animals
Think about your own fight, flight, and freeze tendencies.
If you’re a fight person, do you see yourself as a charging bull? 🐂 A hissing cat? 🐱
If you tend to flight, are you a startled deer? 🦌 A nervous squirrel? 🐿️
If you freeze, do you turn into a motionless possum? 🦔 A camouflaging chameleon? 🦎
Share your animals with your partner and why you chose them!
2️⃣ What Animal Does Your Partner Remind You Of?
Gently share what animals come to mind for your partner’s reactive states.
Keep it lighthearted and only share if you can do it with kindness and curiosity! (No mean-spirited comparisons—this is about play, not put-downs.)
Explain why you see that animal in them. Maybe their fight mode is like a territorial rooster 🐓, or their flight mode is like a skittish hummingbird 🐦 darting away.
3️⃣ The Gift: A Spirit Animal for Your Calm, Connected Self 🎁
Now, choose an animal that represents yourself and your partner, when you are at your best // they are at their best —calm, centered, open, and loving.
Maybe when grounded, a wise elephant 🐘, a peaceful dolphin 🐬, or a loyal golden retriever 🐕 come to mind.
Share these insights with your partner. Explain what qualities you see in yourself and in them that led you to choose the animal you chose.
For an added “gift,” buy a stuffed animal that represents your partner's “calm spirit animal” and give it with them in this time of sharing.
🎯 Why This Works:This activity helps you recognize your own (and hopefully your partner’s) patterns with humor and self-awareness while reinforcing the idea that we are not just our reactive selves—we also have a calm, grounded self that both we and our partner can see and value. Plus, in future moments of conflict, instead of saying, “You’re doing that thing again!” you can say, “Uh-oh, I think the porcupine 🦔 just showed up!” Or, instead of launching into your own reactive (and unhelpful) comments, you can pause and say, “You know, my mad lion is really wanting to rip you a new one right now, so I think I’ll take a short break.”
There are so many ways to use this idea practically—even for fun when you’re not upset (which actually makes it easier to access when you are reactive!). Anything that helps defuse tension and create connection instead of escalation is worthwhile, and even small shifts can make a big difference!
As I’ve mentioned, this 5-part blog series is designed to give an overview of the Getting the Love You Want workshop that Scott and I attended. My goal is to provide in-depth information for those unfamiliar with Imago or the workshop, so you can get a real sense of what it’s all about.
Additionally, I always include a practical activity that partners can easily try together—helping you begin to implement new ways of interacting in your relationship.
If this is the first blog post you’re seeing, you can catch up on the series here:
📌 Blog #1: A High-Level Overview of the Workshops
📌 Blog #2: Scott’s Takeaways as a Non-Therapist
We’re so excited to be offering our first workshop on May 16 - 18**, 2025, in Silverthorne, CO! For this inaugural workshop, we’re keeping it intimate, with space for just four couples. If you’re interested in learning more, you can find additional details, logistics, and registration information on the website. You’re also welcome to call or email me directly—you’ll find my contact information here.
**Due to requests from a few couples who couldn't make the May 2-4 dates, we have adjusted the dates to May 16-18, 2025.
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